A couple of more general notes about soccer, which I didn’t really start following until a couple of years ago: The players certainly don’t do much to dispel the American stereotype that soccer is a sport for pussies. Standard Operating Procedure seems to be that if you’re touched, or about to be touched, or it looks like you might be touched, that you collapse as if you’ve been shot and writhe in pain for a solid five minutes while trainers come out onto the field, spray you with some substance that looks like WD-40, and cart you off on a stretcher. Then after a thirty-second water break, you come sprinting back on to the field as if nothing ever happened (which it didn’t). I always find it impressive how committed players are to following through on their dives. No matter what happens, they stay down and really pretend to be hurt. Now that’s dedication.  My theory is that about half of the time, players take a dive simply because they’re tired and need a rest. After all, there are no timeouts in soccer, and it is a lot of running. That would explain why diving is tacitly accepted, since everyone gets tired at some point, and why not just pretend to be hurt?

While soccer players may be pussies, the fans tilt toward the other extreme. We Americans like to talk about our “fierce rivalries,” like Yankees-Red Sox, etc. But no one ever dies. On the other hand, European soccer matches often features gangs of drunk fascist hooligans stabbing each other. This would probably be more entertaining than the actual game; unfortunately, Drunk Hooligan Fighting has not yet made it to ESPN. Maybe next year. Interestingly enough, quite a few hooligans actually are fascists. It’s not just hyperbole.  Racist, too! Soccer is perhaps the only sport where you’re more likely to get hurt while watching the game than you are while playing in it. Unless you happened to be playing in this game . . .

Miami vs Atlanta – HAWKS WIN 81-71, series tied 2-2

- Charles Barkley on Joe Johnson: “Joe Johnson is a good player. He’s a very good player. But he’s not a great player. He can’t be your best player.” That certainly made sense.

- These two teams suck. Really, they’re just not very good, and if either of them wins a game against Cleveland, I will be impressed.

- What happened to Cheryl Miller? She looked like a refugee from a Rastafarian prison camp. Seriously, I kept on expecting her to pull out a gravity bong and take a giant hit in between questions. Does TNT have to return her to the 1960′s after the game?

- If Dwyane Wade has a bad game (as he did tonight, shooting 9 of 26), the Heat look absolutely dreadful. Basically, unless he’s excellent, they lose. The rest of the team is either too young (Michael Beasley, Mario Chalmers), too old (Jermaine O’Neal, Udonis Haslem) or just not very good to begin with (James Jones, Yakhouba Diawara, etc.)

- As for the Hawks, they have quite a few serviceable players (Bibby, Johnson, Josh Smith, Horford) but no stars. Someone has to start punching Josh Smith in the face whenever he shoots a three, because his jump shot sucks. Plus, he makes lots of things happen in the paint. Maybe the Hawks can delegate this to Zaza Pachulia or something.

The game I didn’t see because NBA TV sucks: New Orleans vs. Denver, NUGGETS WIN 121-63, Denver leads series 3-1

- What the fuck happened to the Hornets??!?! This was tied for the worst playoff loss in NBA history (58 points).

- Again, what the fuck happened to the Hornets??!?! If anyone watched the game, I’d love to hear how Denver defended Chris Paul – I thought that none of their guards could check him, but he’s been a non-factor so far.

- My guess is that the Hornets have quit on Byron Scott. As a Nets fan, I remember that they did the same thing in 2004, after two straight Eastern Conference titles  – the team just quit on him. I don’t know what it is about that dude, but he is clearly not a people person.

Los Angeles vs. Utah – LAKERS WIN 107-96, Los Angeles wins series 4-1

- The Lakers were just the better team. Their passing was spectacular, and they just had more depth and talent than Utah. The Jazz really missed Mehmet Okur, who was unable to play for the first three games and was limited in games four and five.

- Really, Kyle Korver? Black knee socks? Unless you’re an 80 year old Jewish man in Palm Beach, that kind of attire is never acceptable.

- I think that Sasha Vujacic’s deal with Satan has officially expired.

- Ronnie Brewer could not hit a jump shot if you put a gun to his head.

- Marv Albert on Trevor Ariza: “Coach Phil Jackson will be monitoring his minutes tonight after Ariza hurt his ankle while chest-bumping a teammate during Game 4.” That’s what we call irrational exuberance.

- Commercial at the end of the third quarter: “One in five Americans has genital herpes!” Oh, great, that’s reassuring. If I don’t die of swine flu, I’m going to get the clap. What a world . . .

One of the more amusing parts of the draft is the predictions. Oh, the predictions. Never mind that it apparently takes three years to evaluate a draft class – ESPN is quite comfortable telling you that Darrius Heyward-Bey will be a colossal bust and that everyone that Dallas picked sucks, before anyone has played a single down. Of course, most of these projections suck themselves. Remember when the Texans were morons for taking Mario Williams and passing on Reggie Bush? Three years later, I feel confident in saying that the only thing Bush will ever lead the league in is Size of Girlfriend’s Ass (in fairness, this is quite an achievement).

But I digress. Predictions! Bad ones! I now present my Draft Analysis, in which a randomly selected draftee is paired with a randomly selected fortune from Wok-N-Roll. Who will be more wrong, me or Todd McShay??

Prediction #1: Denver first-rounder Robert Ayers is going to have some new clothes.

Prediction #2:  Houston fourth-rounder Glover Quin could prosper in the field of entertainment.

Prediction #3: Visions of a happy romance are in New England sixth-rounder Myron Pryor’s near future.

Prediction #4: Green Bay fourth-rounder T.J. Lang will inherit some money or a small piece of land.

Of course, it takes three to four years to properly evaluate a draft class, but I feel confident that Glover Quin will be opening an off-Broadway show by 2012.

KIPER!

BLAGOJEVICH!

HAIR VS. HAIR! After careful consideration, I have concluded that draft guru Mel Kiper and deposed governor Rod Blagojevich have the most compelling heads of hair around. Call it coiffability, perhaps. Or don’t. I couldn’t care less. The point is that Kiper and Blagojevich’s respective hairstyles reveal much about their character and personalities. Kiper’s mane is perfectly gelled and could probably withstand a moderate-t0-severe earthquake; it is a work of careful craftmanship that bespeaks hours of practice and years of dedication. This is much like Kiper himself, who reviews countless hours of film to grade thousands of prospects every year. Blagojevich’s hair, on the other hand, is untamed and acquisitive. It resembles nothing so much as the Blob, or perhaps Swamp Thing, waiting patiently to devour whatever unlucky small animal gets too close. Needless to say, Blagojevich is rapacious and acquisitive as well. Truly, the hair makes the man, and I am shocked that there hasn’t been more hair-based scouting by the NFL yet. Next year: phrenology!

I AM: originally from New York, now residing in Chicago by way of an Unnamed New England State

- a fan of the Jets, Yankees, and Nets

- allergic to cats

YOU ARE: a member of the great unwashed internet masses

- filled with a deep and irrational hatred of my favorite teams

- unable to engage in meaningful social interaction of any sort

- almost certainly unemployed; the only object of value that you possess is your collection of vintage pornography

- trapped in an empty, soul-crushingly dull existence filled with self-loathing and quiet despair

- probably not wearing pants

I think that just about sums it up.

At this point, a brief explanation of just exactly what the hell I’m going to be writing about is probably in order. This blog will mostly focus on football. Baseball, too. Also some basketball. There might be an occasional soccer post, as well. And of course, sumo wrestling and buzkashi will be exhaustively covered. But not hockey. Hockey sucks. I don’t know if anyone will read this, nor do I especially care. I could wake up tomorrow and never post again. Shit happens. But this whole blogging thing could be fun, and if it is, I will continue to angrily rant away in the hopes that hundreds of years from now in a post-apocalyptic world, this blog will be exhumed by our alien overlords, who will only be able to wonder, “Who was Terrell Owens, and was he really that much of a jackass?” To you, the reader, I can only promise uninformed and knee-jerk opinions that often do not conform to the rules of English grammar. Let the great experiment begin!

NOTES: Naming a blog is much more difficult than one would think. I spent at least forty-five minutes staring blankly at my computer screen trying to come up with something that was suitably witty and ironic, yet also easy to remember (“We need a name that’s witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it!”) I feel confident that I have failed spectacularly on all counts. So, my first choice was Schrodinger’s Bat, but Baseball Prospectus took it already. Bastards. Second choice was The Tailback of Notre Dame, until I remembered that Notre Dame sucks. Damn Papists. Then I came up with Golf Cart of Darkness, but I quickly abandoned it after realizing that golf is only slightly less boring than cream of mushroom soup. And it’s not even a good kind of boring, either. Tennis, for example, is a good kind of boring. It is hypnotic watching the ball go backandforthandbackandforthandbackandforth . . . not to mention that some of the players are, ahem, not unattractive (whenever tennis is on, I always root for a strong wind). But I digress. I’m going to be doing a lot of that, so you might as well get used to it.